Adulthood – I’m sad

We live in a society today where everything you post on social media is your way of showing the world just how okay you are and just how awesome your life is.  And we judge those that express anything other than pure joy on their status updates.  I will admit that I am guilty of judging people who overshare on social media. I will also admit that I only show the cool things that happen in my life on my social media.  But today, I’m trying something a bit more honest and real.

I am sad.

I am sad because I live in a city without family. I am sad because my life is so dependent on the interactions with others and sometimes, I feel loneliest when I am surrounded by my friends.  Sometimes, I feel lonelier when I am sitting alone in my apartment with absolutely no plans with another human. I know that I shouldn’t feel like this because I am constantly reminded of just how wonderful my friends are and that I’m not alone.  But regardless, I still feel alone.  I feel sad because I am the token single friend of all of my friends.  I am sad because I am constantly wondering why I don’t have a significant other.  I am sad because I constantly make up excuses to other people and myself that this is by choice, but sometimes I do wonder if it is really a choice. I’m sad because I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Because no matter how much I focus on self care, there’s still more to do to help with my mental health.  I’m sad because there are things in my life that I cannot help.  I am heartbroken because I know that there are people in my life who are suffering and I don’t know how to help them.  And there’s no one I can share this with.  I am sad because I’ve seen my mother cry more times than I’d like to admit and I don’t know how to stop her sadness. I’m broken because I’ve mentally decided that the more I pull away from people, the less things will hurt and maybe that’s okay. I’m sad because I’m mentally preparing myself to be alone forever. And sometimes, this is my way of defending myself from the sadness that I am alone and that other people don’t want to hang out with me and I’m not a priority for them.

But.

I am happy.  I am happy because I am independent. I have a job at a company that can pay me a paycheck on a regular basis.  I have stability in my life where I am not worried about being able to pay my bills.  I am happy because I am challenged every day by my job, myself, my friends, my physical ability and my need to learn. I am so thankful because I am sad.  I am thankful that I have emotions that drive me to figure out what will make me happy.  I am thankful that I can hurt because it forces me to focus on self-care. I am happy because I have my health. I have the ability to travel, I have the urge to learn, I have the desire to see what the world has to offer.  I am over-the-moon proud of myself for going to 13 countries on my own. I am so happy because I have proven to myself that I actually don’t need anyone else. I moved from Seattle to LA and back to Seattle on my own. I am happy because I can eat foods that I enjoy, I can find the positive in the little things and I can appreciate everything I’ve done.  I’m so happy because sometimes, the happiest moments in my life are standing by myself in my apartment dancing to music, the perfect dance party.  I am thrilled because one of my favorite things is to stand outside, just stare and listen to music.  I am so happy because it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. I am so happy because I have met amazing people in my life. I am blessed because there are people who have entered my life, stayed and taught me more than I ever thought possible.  I am lucky because I have met people who have left me permanently but they shared a portion of their life with me and I would never trade that for anything in the world.  I am happy because my parents raised me to be who I am today and they don’t worry about me. I am happy because, no matter how sad I actually am, I exist and I have the chance to make a difference. I have the ability to make someone smile, I have the chance to make someone’s day just a bit better, I am capable of controlling my next move and I get to try whatever I want.

I am sad.  And I am happy.

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