Thoughts – RBF

Recently I was told that I have the worst case of RBF. Yes.  I have a mean face when I am just staring blankly into the world with zero thoughts. I think I get this from my mom. And, frankly, I am 100% okay with this. I don’t need to look overly friendly and approachable all the time do I?

The friend that told me this was driving by me as I was walking down the street.  And, this is actually the second time that this has happened. The first time, I had a friend walk by me on the street and I looked him dead in the eyes and immediately heard “wowwwwww”.  Only to realize that we were friends and I had just given the rudest look to someone I knew. To be honest, when we made eye contact – there was no part of me that processed who he was or what I was seeing.

You see, over the years of living in a big city, I’ve learned to zone out when I walk. I can make eye contact with every person I walk by but this does not mean that I process who I see or what I am seeing around me. I can’t help it if I look mean and unapproachable when I walk, but it keeps people from talking to me.  I don’t think I necessarily do it on purpose but I do know that when I am in my own head and walking, my eyes go dead. It is like there is nothing going on in my head and it’s usually because I am too lost in thought.

Or, sometimes, I am legitimately blank. Walking is therapeutic to me and helps me decompress from my day even if it is just for a few minutes. I use it as a time to focus on nothing and let the music take over all my thoughts but not in the sense that I think about what I’m listening to but rather it drowns out all my thoughts and I go blank. I think about nothing, I don’t day dream, I don’t process anything and it’s those few minutes where I can just exist. Nothing worries me, nothing bothers me, I’m not happy and I’m not sad. I know it sounds strange, but I love it.

I love looking off into the distance and not necessarily processing what I see. It helps rejuvenate me and let my mind just clear itself for a bit.

I feel like my mind is in a constant state of thinking and overthinking and then overthinking what I’ve already over thought. Does that make sense? No, but it makes sense to me. I dream so much about what could be, how else I could have responded to something, how I could have reacted. I have a bad case of would have, could have, should have. So when I zone out while I’m walking, it’s my chance to not experience the would have, could have, should have syndrome.

I gladly embrace my RBF all day if it means that for a few minutes a day, I can get some solitude and just exist outside of my head.

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