Recently I was told some news that rocked me to my core. Not in the same way that someone passing has but in a different way. That night, I felt physically ill and attributed it to eating a bad burger. I couldn’t sleep, I remember spending that entire night tossing and turning in my bed feeling waves of nausea and thinking that it was the burger. Or at least, that’s what I tried to convince myself that it was but let’s be honest – I have an iron stomach. Over the next few days, I felt queasy on and off, I lost my appetite and I was hardly sleeping.
To be honest, I don’t think it was the food. In fact I know it wasn’t the food.
I think it was the realization that something I had invested so much of myself in was officially over. But not in the sense that something terrible happened but in the sense that I had to officially let go. I wasn’t ready to let go and I think there was some part of me that thought I would get a second chance. That everything would fall into place, sacrifices and compromises would be made and second chances would turn into less of a chance but rather something permanent. It was just under a year of thinking that if I said and did all the right things, everything would work out in my favor and I would come out on top.
But that didn’t happen and I became physically ill. I’ll never admit it to anyone that I think that this was it. This was supposed to be the forever because I had never felt this way before. This was the only thing I could focus on for the last two years and it was all I wanted. Even when I thought I could logically tell myself no, everything else in me said yes and to continue. I remember trying so hard to talk myself out of it in the early days, but I couldn’t stop myself. And now, it’s over.
This is only the third time in my entire life that my heart has physically hurt in relation to something external to me. The first two times were when people in my life passed away and this time was when I realized that what I wanted is something I can’t have.
I still play the conversation over and over in my head, I can feel the heat in my face when I think back to hearing the words. I remember feeling my stomach drop when the words settled in. I remember how quickly I walked away to avoid the tears. But there’s nothing I can do but move forward. It wasn’t meant to be. And if it was, maybe another time that is not now.
To be honest, this is the closest I think I’ve ever been to being in love. And now, I suppose in the best cliche possible, if I love something, I need to let it go. If it’s meant to be, it’ll come back.
So here it is. I am letting you go. Officially. Good-bye.