I don’t think I’ve fully taken the time to sit down and really write about what drove me to pick up my life and move to Los Angeles. I’ve touched on it a bit here and there but now, a few months into the new life I’ve had a lot of time to reflect.
As you’re well aware, I had a very difficult time getting over the death of two people over the last three years. Their passing led me to lose control over my life in the sense that I shutdown and couldn’t figure out how to stop crying all the time. I was lost. The only way I found myself was to travel and wander lost around places that forced me outside of my comfort zone. I would never trade those 8 months of wandering for the world. After I finally didn’t have a plane ticket in my hand anymore, I settled in 2016 and realized there was so much more to life than sitting at my desk in a Fortune 500 company on the verge of turning 100. I was not being the person I was meant to be and I wasn’t living my life to the fullest. I was settling and by settling, I was being complacent with the status quo even though I had issues with everything at the company. I had gotten to a point in my statement of work where I had a fair amount of freedom over what I wanted to work on and I was technical enough that I could stick my nose into issues and create chaos in the form of change. But that wasn’t enough for me. I needed more. I wanted to stand up for what was right both within my organization and at the company level as a whole. When you work in a company of 180,000 people, there’s no way to stand out. You are a small fish in the ocean, maybe even more like algae.
I found myself so unhappy with work. I woke up every morning dreading the next 8 hours. The 15 minute commute was the worst part of my day because I knew what was ahead of me. The last 10 minutes of every day slowed to almost a standstill while I waited for 3PM to hit everyday so I could run like a mad woman out of the office. Now who wants to live like that? A negative attitude before even getting into the office. Let me tell you, it’s not fun. Not one bit.
This terrible attitude led me to do somethings that I never thought I would do but I am glad I did. I started asking questions and it taught me that my current place of employment was not the right place for me. I questioned the system, I questioned what was told to me and I asked for help on behalf of my team because no one else would stand up for us and I was tired of it. What I got was opportunities taken away and eventually kicked off my team and placed where I would be less of a problem child. They called it ‘redeployment.’ I called it getting rid of the hard questions and running away from the problems. But that’s the thing about that company, denying there was a problem was their solution to everything. Literally.
Throughout all of this, I started looking for jobs. Each time I experienced some negative experience, I would apply to 5-7 jobs. It slowly grew to 10 a week until I lost count of all the job reqs I had reviewed and applied for. I had a couple bites but nothing really stuck until my current company found me. It was weird. I never thought I would be sought after but I was and man, I am glad it happened.
If I hadn’t been in such a terrible place with work, I would never have responded to the message. But I did because I literally thought I had nothing to lose. Four days later I had a plane ticket to LA for an in person interview. 3 weeks after that interview I was living in LA and free of the negative work environment.
I have had so much time to reflect on that experience that led me to where I am. I’m now at a point where I don’t want to deal with the gossip. I don’t want to deal with the politics. I came to work to do a job and to prove myself. I don’t have time to surround myself with people who don’t wanna hang out with me or people who bring me down. I have a different attitude on life and I am so grateful for it. I find myself less interested in the petty shit and looking for the positive in everything. I feel like I’m preaching something cliche but honestly, it’s hard but so worth it. Every time someone complains to me, I find it easier and easier to recognize the positivity in the situation. Even if that positive thing is the fact that I’m not at my old job.
I have had conversations with people being negative, complaining about people they work with and I find myself getting sucked in for a brief moment. And I hate it. I don’t wanna be sucked back into the negative energy. Complaining isn’t going to do anything. If you have a problem with someone, stop hanging out with them. If someone doesn’t like you, it’s not the end of the world. When you make a decision, stick to it and be okay with the decision you made. That’s what I am trying to do and I have yet to regret it. As cliche as it sounds, I’m putting positive vibes out into the world to get positive vibes back.
I think this is true adulthood.
P. S. Please note that I got caught dancing at my desk today. I’m only partially there when it comes to true adulthood…