Commercial Break: Courage, decisions

On Friday our team went out to a retirement lunch for a coworker.  His announcement that he was retiring came as a surprise to us but realistically, it makes sense.  He’s spent quite a bit of time with the company and he has a new grandbaby in another state so it makes sense to want to move to be closer to family.

As I sat and listened to his stories of his time at the company, what he’s going to miss most and what his future plans will be, I couldn’t help but wonder what my next step is.

It was completely awkward timing because as we listened to his stories, the music in the background played a song I haven’t listened to all the way through since my friends service.  This always seems to happen.  Something triggers a reminder that it’s almost the 3 year anniversary of his passing and I got nostalgic.  I got nervous.

You see, I had a job interview on Friday afternoon.  A job interview for a company not based in Seattle.

I have been actively looking for a change, and most of the jobs I have applied to have been in Seattle.  There’s been quite a few international opportunities but I think I’ve applied knowing deep down that the chances of a company being willing to sponsor a brand new employee is slim.  Seattle is my home. Seattle is my comfort zone. It’s made sense to apply here.  I have applied to a few jobs in LA and a few jobs in SF but they’ve been reach opportunities.

I’ve spent the last 24 hours reflecting on this.  I’m looking for a change, but the change was just a job, not a full shift in my life.

As I start interviewing for companies and seeing what the world has to offer – I’ve realized that I am terrified.  I am terrified in a way I’ve never been before.

I travel, all the time.  I wander aimlessly through my life alone whether it’s in Seattle or another city.  I am okay with that because… I can always come home.  I can come home to my apartment on the street that I know, in the neighborhood I have explored and the people that I have spent the last few years with. But as opportunities pop up, I’m officially terrified. There’s a high chance I won’t get offered a job but in the rare chance that I do…. Am I ready to move? I talk about how great it is that I can pick up and leave and that I’ve set myself up for that but… It’s starting to feel like a guard I’ve put up to make myself feel better.  To know that I logistically can make the leap, but in all reality – maybe I don’t have the guts to do it.

I think of my friend and the move he made to pursue his dream and his passions.  I think of the fact that he left this world doing something he loved.  And now I wonder, will I get the same chance?  If I leave Seattle, will it be the right decision for me?  Am I ready to pick up my life and leave everything I know to try something new?

I am panicking in a way I have never experienced.

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